Crossing borders

On the way from India to Nepal, thinking it all over, I wondered, Have I changed a lot? I could not find a clear answer to that. I do start to realise certain things. It might be the beginning? For I realize now that really for most of my life I have leant on others. I always thought I could buy the affection of others. So, I thought I could 'buy' my parents' love for me by doing my best at school and trying to get as many diplomas as possible. My sister and brother's love, by feeling (much too) responsible for them. My boyfriends and girlfriends' love, by always saying that I didn't mind where we went and what we did whenever we went out. And everybody's love, by making an effort to be attentive in my own little way and by organising everything in a perfect manner.

I was as flexible as ...... and forever adapting myself to what I thought people were expecting from me; always taking into account what 'they' (others, people) might or might not think about me.

After 30 years I could not cope with it any longer. My body started protesting and rebelling (and how!!!). One cannot expect people to love you while you passively parasite on them instead of being active. So, I have come to the conclusion that all this time I have only been obsessed with 'thinking' and 'doing' and not with 'feeling' and 'being'. That time has now come; this is my life and this is who I am.

And the bus? It drove on.